The list goes on, what am I feeling today? I refuse to go on my normal "baby" boards in desperate hope that staying away will make me feel better. I have a regular chat board I spend countless hours on and though many women are pregnant, having babies or recently had them I still go on it. I had to wish someone a Congrats on their Big Fat Positive the other day, tears came to my eyes, another had her baby on Tuesday night, again another Congrats and truly I am happy for her and her husband but the jealous desire inside me clouds my head with thoughts of never being told congrats on your new child myself. Then of course the thoughts, in 6 years you guys can't have an accident? Part of me wishes that that one scare we had years ago was a baby and we had it, had it before we knew the true nature of my stepson's disorder, before reality set in and destroyed our hopes and dreams of creating a family. To say I won't be complete without having children of my own is just simply untrue, I am a complete person, always have been and always will, my husband may complement me but does not complete me and the same goes for any children we ever have. But at this moment in time I feel a hole, incomplete, weird, not normal.... I feel like I don't deserve to be in the norm of things since I am not a normal person.
the pain I feel is intense, the emptiness of my being, I don't know how to fill it up. Then I tell myself, I shouldn't feel an emptiness until I know the results for sure, until we decide as a couple what we are going to do about the future. But I am an Aries, I day dream, I fantasize about life. I think the worst and when that doesn't happen I am glad, though I don't exactly hope for the best. I think that is where my brain goes wrong. I think I need to talk to someone, not a professional (though that probably won't hurt) but I think I would like to chat with someone who has disorders of any kind in their families, someone that had to make the decision that I fear so badly. To have children or to not have children. I have known I wanted kids for as long as I can remember, I have dreamt about having big Sunday dinners at home like my friend Crissy's family used to. It breaks my heart to think that it may never happen. To see my life so empty, to never have a child to sing to sleep, or read a book, to kiss a scrapped knee.
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