Aunt flo has arrived...

And i am surer than sure that there is no baby growing inside me... Eric won't be convinced until we go to the doctors on Monday and I ask for a pee test. Which I will because who knows! I called my Gyno on Monday and they told me to start my new pill pack, which I did that night, Tuesday morning I started my period... it's not a normal one... I have had little to no cramps but I have been moody... it's a very light cycle and I'm now on day 4 with no signs of stopping which is making me irritated since there is almost nothing there but it's still red and looks like my first or second day... Eric once said to me "Never trust something that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die" it makes me laugh. Cycle of life, gotta love it.

Febuary 19, 2007

So we have had our first official scare! Febuary would be my due date if I am pregnant! We're not trying at the moment, but it all happened back in March when we went to Florida and we mailed in our Rx's... I got the pills like 5-7 days late so I had to wait a month... got my cycle and started a new pack... got my cycle again on day 21 or something, a little early but that's okay... started a new pack... I'm on sugar pill number 4 tonight and still no cycle. Took a FIRST RESPONSE home pregnancy test last night and it's a negative... I got 3 days left to figure out if I'm pregnant or not before i need to either be pregnant and happy or figure out what is wrong with my body....

MY PLAN:
Wait and not test until Monday morning if no period is in sight.
Test with first pee and if negative call the doctor from work.

sounds like a plan to me right? At the very least, I'm getting my regular physical done on the 26th of June... so I can ask my doctor to do a pee test too. so that'll be 3 times and if they all are negative then I don't know.

wow scary!

So I had to stop taking my pill this month. I totally screwed up, my new refil didn't come in time and it had been so long I couldn't just double up and hope for the best... well today is the day that http://www.mymonthlycycles.com/home.jsp says I should be getting auntie flow but where is she? Hopefully her plane was just delayed due to a stupid mistake on my part! Normally I really wouldn't care if we had an opps but last Thursday my husband was told that he will no longer have a job after July 7th! So! Now is not the time, as much as I would love to be pregnant and have my first child now is just to long!

I got a Rx for Prenatal... kinda scarey

So is it silly to be scared? Went to meet the new doctor and told her about how we're going to start trying eventually but not right away, well she said babies are like vultures and take everything they can from the mother's body so the earlier I start the better... she said certain things my body will store up so the earlier I start taking prenatals the better... DH said I'll have beautiful hair and nail... me well it's the first time I thought of pregnancy and had a small OMG happen inside of me.

Poly Neuropathy

A polyneuropathy is a neuropathy pattern, whereby the nerve damage initially starts in both feet and may progress to involve the feet, calves, and fingers/hands. Another word for this pattern is a Stocking and Glove Neuropathy. Many patients with polyneuropathy may not even have any symptoms; in this case the diagnosis is made by a physical examination or a laboratory test (electromyography (EMG) and nerve conduction velocity test (NCV)). Some patients with polyneuropathy have only numbness, "tingling," and/or "pins and needles." Less often, some unlucky patients with polyneuropathy experience pain. (taken from Stoppain.org)

this is what my stepson has. From the last 6 years I have a deep feeling that he is being misdiagnosed... yes he has some discomfort but not pain like they are saying on this site. He has a lot of atrophy of the legs and I just don't understand this new disorder. Of course every person is different so you just never know but if he does have this it must be also something else along with it....

I'm feeling better this week than last, over the weekend my mother who has NEVER asked me about babies actually did. I was shocked and first I said "I don't know" then about 5 seconds later I spilled out everything... I felt bad, we were at a party and about 10 people were sitting there (family and friends) and I just blurted it all out so quickly... my sister was crying, I was crying and my mother was understanding. This week my goal is to call Cigna, I think I've gotten better control over my emotions, even though it still is upsetting, I'm not crying as I type this.. which I was doing last week... just thinking about doing anything or children in general made me cry last week. I've never really been that emotionally upset where I could hardly function as a human... how I made it into work and stayed all day is beyond me.

Annoyance, Irritation, aggravation, displeasure, frustration

The list goes on, what am I feeling today? I refuse to go on my normal "baby" boards in desperate hope that staying away will make me feel better. I have a regular chat board I spend countless hours on and though many women are pregnant, having babies or recently had them I still go on it. I had to wish someone a Congrats on their Big Fat Positive the other day, tears came to my eyes, another had her baby on Tuesday night, again another Congrats and truly I am happy for her and her husband but the jealous desire inside me clouds my head with thoughts of never being told congrats on your new child myself. Then of course the thoughts, in 6 years you guys can't have an accident? Part of me wishes that that one scare we had years ago was a baby and we had it, had it before we knew the true nature of my stepson's disorder, before reality set in and destroyed our hopes and dreams of creating a family. To say I won't be complete without having children of my own is just simply untrue, I am a complete person, always have been and always will, my husband may complement me but does not complete me and the same goes for any children we ever have. But at this moment in time I feel a hole, incomplete, weird, not normal.... I feel like I don't deserve to be in the norm of things since I am not a normal person.

the pain I feel is intense, the emptiness of my being, I don't know how to fill it up. Then I tell myself, I shouldn't feel an emptiness until I know the results for sure, until we decide as a couple what we are going to do about the future. But I am an Aries, I day dream, I fantasize about life. I think the worst and when that doesn't happen I am glad, though I don't exactly hope for the best. I think that is where my brain goes wrong. I think I need to talk to someone, not a professional (though that probably won't hurt) but I think I would like to chat with someone who has disorders of any kind in their families, someone that had to make the decision that I fear so badly. To have children or to not have children. I have known I wanted kids for as long as I can remember, I have dreamt about having big Sunday dinners at home like my friend Crissy's family used to. It breaks my heart to think that it may never happen. To see my life so empty, to never have a child to sing to sleep, or read a book, to kiss a scrapped knee.

Why does life have to be so damm hard?

Why can't anything come easy? Why do the turns and flips and twists have to ruin a happy time? Why me? Nothing in my life has been easy, maybe as a kid I made them hard, the things I did, the roads I took, but that was back then, I'm not a stupid young kid anymore, I have a wonderful life, a caring husband, a good job and we are growing together and planning our life, starting a family and now my life feels like it is turned upside down and I don't know which way is which and I just don't know what to do or how to feel or well anything.

My stepson has a very rare genetic disorder, he is over in Poland right now seeing a wonderful doctor who is truely helping him so much. She rediagosed him recently with an even rarer disorder than before. The news which is good is that the disorder stops progressing in time. BUT recently we learned that it is a dominate gene. Which means either my husband or my stepsons mother definatly has this mutated gene in their body. Now we HAVE to go for genetic testing to find out for sure. THEN after the testing we need to decide to have kids or not. This is so hard, if it comes back postive for the mutation in my husband all our children may have this disorder, maybe they won't but they will be carriers and then our grandchildren might have it. I feel selfish in thinking how badly I want to have children and we really need to think about the future children in our family line. It's not just about us... it's about all the future generations. And I'm sorry but that is a very hard choice to make.

So I cry when I think about it, I don't know what else to do. I just don't know if I can make that choice. I need to call our health insurance and find out what exactly is covered for genetic testing but yet I can't bring myself to pick up the phone to do it.... I'm so afraid of the end results I can't take the first steps in finding out the answers!

Can't wait to get off birth control

Not sure if i've said this before but seriously I can't wait... it's not even my strong internal clock that is going TICK TICK TICK deep inside my body, I just simply HATE birth control pills. I hate the chemical hormones that I am putting into my body on a daily basis. I hate how it took my body well over a year just to regulate to the damm pills and now it seems that after only a few months of nice monthly periods I have somehow screwed up my system once again where I am getting horrible cramps for DAYS before and during each period. Like last night, the cramps started just prior to karate class... my whole body ached in pain, I took a Tylox when we got home and went to bed, within 30 mins of rising the cramps started up again and I felt like shit for the good portion of today, and let me tell you, still no period in sight! I thought I saw something HOURS ago but now nothing.. so then I wonder, am I pregnant? And then I freak and then I tell myself, no of course your not it's just your stupid body who likes to fuck with you and not be a normal human body!

so I bought my first book about babies...

I was thinking, I really don't know much about pregnancy or babies... I mean I babysat as a kid and I have my nieces and nephews and of course my medical background in Nursing.. but with all this knowledge I'm sure I only know the very basics on having a baby... so I buy my first book
"The Twelve-Month Pregnancy" By Barry Herman, MD and Susan K. Perry Ph.D. I'm going to start reading it today... hope it's interesting!

I forgot I had this blog

LOL I totally forgot maybe with the holidays my baby fever got put aside for a little while... don't know but I saw this blog I made up a month ago and figured well I should write something. It's the new year and life seems to finally be turning down a notch... Zack is settled in Poland, the holidays are over. It's time to start preparing for the next chapter in our life. Starting a family together. My goals for this new year are as follows
Quit Smoking
Get off birth control
Start an extra savings account
paint the walls at the house

Let's start with Quit Smoking... I'm trying to cut down slowly in March I see my doctor and I'm going to get the Rx, she's been talking about it for 2 years now... well I've tried everything else out there and none of those over the counter aids work out for me, so it's now or never.

Birth Control, my appt isn't until June... I can't wait to get off BC, the crap sucks! Even though it's 6 months from now, I know it'll fly by quick enough

Extra Savings account, I got an ING account, started it last year... 3.80% I made almost $40 last year just in interest!

paint the walls, has nothing to do with having a baby, I just really am sick of looking at boring walls.